Fear

One of the day trips we have taken this new semester was taking Elvira and little Joanna to the Belize Zoo. When we first walk into the zoo, the first animal we see is a rather large Boa Constrictor, just sunbathing on a tree trunk out in the open. There was nothing separating us. One of the zoo keepers came and picked up the snake like he was merely a rubber toy, and offered me the chance to hold it. Without really thinking about what I was doing, I readily accepted and before I knew it, a full-sized boa constrictor was sitting around my neck. I sat there, triumphant. Then, I felt the muscles of the snake tense up and felt that potentially harmful power around my neck. I suddenly realized that, well, I was kinda afraid of snakes.

“Katie, you’re shaking!” my friends proclaimed.

And sure enough, I was. Visibly trembling. And my heart was pounding out of my chest. I quickly returned the snake to his zookeeper with a nervous smile of gratitude and quickly made my way to the back of the group, far away from the snake. There’s a picture of me holding the snake, with a very nervous smile on my face, but it’s still proof that I held a giant snake.

This seems to be a pattern for me. In the moment I forget my fears, and then they come streaming back into my subconscious, paralyzing me. The first time I really experienced this was when I was rock-climbing in Colorado. I was so excited to climb up the mesa, that I scurried up the rock-face. About 40 feet up, I looked out into the great expanse. It was an amazing view, but so far down. I froze. I was 10 feet from the top and I couldn’t go any further. My hands were shaking, my legs were shaking, and the horrible reality of my fear of heights came streaming back to my mind. Looking back I wish I could have just finished the climb.

There are a lot of things that I am afraid of. I fear heights, snakes, spiders, and public speaking. But most of all I have a huge fear of failure. The first of these are easy to conquer, especially when I live in a tropical country where tarantulas run free, you can hold Boas at the zoo, and my present occupation is speaking in front of people everyday. But failure is one that sometimes can’t be avoided. No matter how much you want something, or work towards it, it might just never happen. And just thinking about that right now makes me worry.

One of the things I worry about failing at is teaching. There are so many things I want for my girls. I want them to be able to read and write as well as anyone. I want my religion students to learn to love their faith. But above all, I want them to want success. I want them to dream of a great life for themselves, and to want to work hard to make that happen.

I only have 3 months left with these girls, and I’m not sure if I’m going to succeed in my mission. It’s terrifying, but I know for this experience, I can’t just stop 10 feet from the top and leave always wishing I had just conquered the climb. The only difference is, teaching is a two way street, and there is only so much I can do. We shall see!